I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We were destined to go to rehab together
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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