I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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