Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
