Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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