Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
