Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
