260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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