laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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