Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
