Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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