You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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