I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
