Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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