nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
