i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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