Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Drake has all the answers
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
