Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize