for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
