He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize