I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
