I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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