Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
