I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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