Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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