I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
