I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
