Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This gyro tastes like lonliness
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
