i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
