Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
