If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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