When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
