i wish my penis had a tongue
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
