I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
