Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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