My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Even my vagina gasped.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize