what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
