6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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