i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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