i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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