this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
