in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
