i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
