I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
In America we eat man semen.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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