As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
