it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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