I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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