We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
