that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
