I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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