Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
