i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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