It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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