My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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