do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
