I wish I could punch you in the face.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
