Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
