i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
