I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
