I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
