i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
