Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
