he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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